Mirror, Mirror.

I look at myself in the mirror and a cliche comes to mind: Motherhood Changes Everything. Physically - it's just obvious. I wonder if i would ever fit in my size 2 clothes ever again. I pray to God my breasts shrink back to normalcy after breastfeeding...I could hardly recognize the person staring back at me - she wasn't made up at all, her clothes were loose and no high heeled pumps have graced her feet the last 6 months. That's so not me. The Nina everyone knew felt bare leaving the house without a smudge of gloss or powder, wore tight-fitting outfits and 2-3 inch stilettos. I wonder if my husband notices these things and if this is the part that men usually go out looking for playmates on the side. I shouldn't feel insecure - pregnancy is wonderful! well, it is but the changes seem to be so drastic. for one, i've never gained as much weight as i did now. 20 pounds is just astounding.

Family Day is a-ok!

I've never spent Christmas and New Year away from home...Moreso away from my mom. And at first, I was really reluctant to do so. But then fate took over and my soon to be hubby's grandmother passed December 23. I felt the need to be with him at such a time of grief...Just felt weary that our mourning came alongside meeting his whole clan-all 50 or so of them...and forcing myself to feel at home with people I can barely remember the names of come Christmas Eve. I was miles away from my family and when the clock struck 12, i couldn't think of anything but what my nephews were doing and missing their laughter as they opened santa's new gifts.
But then this is part of the package isn't it? I know I signed up for this and i should be thankful that the guy who knocked me up is happily introducing me as his wife even if that isn't bound to happen for probably a year more. I suddenly have iN LAWS. man...this is so not me. i wonder, actually i know, that nothing will ever be the same again. Our holidays would be split between our families, and compromises would have to be made. I just hope I survive them all...

SO MANY CHANGES...

I know I don't have an audience YET, but i think i owe myself an apology for not blogging for almost an entire year. And now that I'm reading my old posts, my oh my - even I managed to surprise me...The changes are SO HUGE, I'm not sure if words will suffice describing them. But lemme try anyway:

a. CAREER - at the beginning of the year I found myself contemplating what I want to do. Felt unhappy and unfulfilled. Knew that I had problems as a co-worker, and moreso as a boss. But times have changed, and so has the job. I can't say my work now is more fulfilling, but the environment makes me want to go to the office daily. The challenge is so much greater and therefore the learning is on a daily basis. My finances have only improved a wee bit, but now I know better - I'm a work in progress - but I believe NOT GOING TO THE MALL has greatly helped cease my shoppaholism. I've also learned to delegate...I need help from other people - and I need to say it! I can't assume that everyone knows how to take an initiative. I have to ask nicely though. hehe.

b. LOVELIFE - this blog effin sounds like a horoscope..hehe. In January, I was in a relationship that was nothing but a gratified friendship. And from there transcended into pushing myself to love someone who I thought would give me security..albeit the passion or the eagerness...But God shows you the way - oh yes he does, and this time he did it with a spotlight and flash. I never thought that I would transform from the helplessly single girl to the marrying type in a few short months. I can not believe how lucky I am with the person I found, and now I never question the saying - all in HIS time...cause this certainly happened least when i expected it...

c. SPEAKING OF EXPECTATIONS: motherhood is such a journey...Everyday is a different day and i find myself looking forward to the new alterations in my life. from the clothes that simply don't fit anymore, to emotional rollercoasters and physical challenges that make me more eager to see my little one...Mentally and emotionally, I always ask myself am I ready for this? I guess God will make me ready. Everytime i feel a kick from my tummy, that re-assures me that things are going to be wonderful in three months time...So I have to sit back and relax. Just enjoy the pregnancy ride.

I am a changed person. My life has literally turned upside down. GOd is on my side. .. I believe that would get me through anything.

Day Two: Winning Back my MOJO!!!!!!!!!!!

I was single for four years, and no I wasn't lonely....AT ALL! In fact, I had a blast...just like any other non - committed GUY. Yep, you heard me right. The more I think about it, the more I realize - I am built like one in my way of thinking. The reason behind such characteristic, is the fact that I was raised mostly by men. In my forming years, my folks were having marital problems and I was left with no one to ask for guidance but my older brother and a dozen of his guy friends. Oh, I didn't grow up to be a lesbian - doesnt mean i dont swing both ways - but i grew up with balls. In most instances when my advice was needed in a love related crisis, I would most likely take the standpoint of a male. I proved this to be excruciatingly true when i stopped calling a guy i was dating for 3 months, the day after the first time we hit the sack...well, i didnt come - tell me if there is any other reason left to call...in relationships, i hardly get jealous, i dont pick fights, and lately ive been accused of putting my supposed significant other at the bottom of my to do list and supposedly important things. I spent so much time around my bro's friends that i ended up thinking like them, and actually falling in love for the first time with one of them...

It's been twelve years since we broke up and twelve years since i last saw him. and all of a sudden he's back in my life. wanting to be my FRIEND. yep, a pal i can talk to, the one you text when your life seeems to be crumbling down. but what about me and my thoughts? what do i do when everytime i see him i have recollections of how my first ever kiss felt.first everything except THAT. which is probably the problem...all the men in my life, i never got to lets say uhm..."ride" this one. we were just too young, i suppose. scared of the possibilities. hay...how do i keep myself together when were talking and all i wanna do is reach over the table and rip his clothes apart and ravage him right then and there. ...complicated and sad...again sigh...

but on the bright side i thought, wtf my mojo is back!!!!!!!!!! my last boyfriend, who is very very religious asked me - what is your stand on pre marital sex and the church? my answer was - it's a loophole....apparently not the answer he wanted to hear...nevertheless the nine months we spent together were..."eventless." that ive actually forgotten i was hot, that may be someone would want me. I packed up my toys and slept beside my mom, and acknowledged that yes, i am alright with a life without sex.

when we broke up a month back, i started thinking...am i ready to go back to dating? and if i do, will i wanna go riding again???? :) who would be my first lucky horse? might be the ex that was never ridden in the first place. and i found every mental picture of me with any other guy, except him my first horse, icky. and i found myself unwanting to explore new grounds until i laid eyes on my first love..so thank you...you know who you are...you gave me my mojo back...

Day One - Re- visiting My Dreams

4:00pm, Easter: Last day of Holy Week Break.

I think my mom missed having me around ( i just pray it doesn't wear off soon or all hell will break lose again ). We stayed up til 5 am last night watching sappy Julia Roberts flicks. Hence my lazy Sunday afternoon began at 4. Now, i know it's really undesirable to still live with your folks at my age, but today, i had nothing but great things to basque on, the best one being - food is always always available. So i had my bowl of chicken soup or sopas as we call it, a cup of coffee and sat down to read the paper at our lanai with a ziggy in my hand. ( we are a household of smokers...i feel very sorry for adults who still cant smoke in front of their rents ).

The paper had an article about a new fashion design school opening next year and i felt a flutter in my stomach. I suddenly remembered why I took up Art in college, and the callouses i had in my hand for personally sewing my showcase felt like a decade away of memories. But it's been eight years since I sketched and doodled; I've capitalized on my selling and writing persuasions instead of creating masterpieces of style. For my entire working career was spent on jumping on whatever option is laid out in front of me. Like when im job hunting, I always take the first employer who shoves an offer in my face. I felt like it was time to stop taking to where my feet will lead me and make something out of myself. I've always been a salesman...maybe it's time i become the merchandise.

Hopefully by easter next year...ill be on my way to fashion design school.

Self - Realization Experiment

I know it sounds cliche to say that LIFE BEGINS AT 30. But what the heck - let me state that for the whole world to hear. My big three - oh was celebrated by the usual alcohol laden bash but the events that followed seems to have altered who i am completely. And if i was a whiner and a walking fault finding committee my first 29 years, then I maybe the complete opposite now. I have stopped pointing fingers, and realized that the spotlight should definitely be on yours truly...

So dear readers ( if there are any ), I'm going to start chronicling my little awakenings on a daily basis. I warn you of occasional blandness and mundanity versus the old nina that was surely a more commercialy engaging writer.

Beginning of a New Blog

Somebody once said, that reading my blog felt like he was actually out on a date with the author -- he could imagine saying exactly the same stories, commenting and bantering in the same way i usually flirted through the night. For those who've known me on and off page, they would probably say that my personality shines through my writing - the topics were fun, the content strongly opinionated and almost always with a spike of sexual inuendo.

So when I erased my five year old wordpress, with a following I could be proud off, alot of people asked me why I decided to give it a rest. The reason was simple - I had changed so much over the last few months that I couldn't identify anymore with the blogs that I wrote. It felt as if I was reading someone else's experiences and found them oddly interesting, yet so alienated from who I presently am.

All though my readers perceived my articles as a bold and daring endevour, I think back and all I could remember was the many ways I emebellished some of my stories to make sure it was a great read. I can't say that I've ran out of funny moments and exciting challenges. But it seems that life's more intuitive at this point, there are more realizations, bigger pursuits and seeminlgy unhurdlable problems. I think at 30, I can finally claim that I have just begun growing up.

I can't promise that this site would be more serious, nor would it be as entertaining as before. It might be less indulgent- seing as I've put myself last in my list of priorities at present....But it's going to be different... just like my life is very very different.